Sometimes i look back to my life i dont seem to be happy before i am always lamenting about the sad stuff that happened in my life amd being emotional all the time ... I would wonder is it that i have gotten depression too ... But i wish to believe i did not though living with my mum who has it since I was young does increase my probability of getting it but i still can think rationally proves i am fine thank God for that. However, I really dont know why i always feel sad all the time... compared to many people i am blessed I KNOW ... but i just cant feel happy ... i think the problem is not all the things that have happened, the problem is me i keep doing things that make me feel sad... i keep running away from people who try to show care and concern to me its like as if i have built an invisible wall around me and no one can get close to me beyond that wall. I have came across some people who genuinely want to listen to my problems but i brushed them aside cause i know no one can really help me face my problems i have to face them myself so there's really no point to share my problems and make someone feel disturbed or sad or pity for me. I know i should not dwell on all the sad stuff i know i should be gratful for everything in my life but i think i still dont fully understand what that really means... my actions just shows otherwise. I am always doing things that disappoint my parents and those people that pinned their hope on me. After all the thinking and pondering i think why i dont feel happy is because i dont feel that i deserve to be happy. When i look at the things i have done i feel ashamed of myself ... and everytime when i am just about to break free from the trap i sink even deeper God please help me ... Morrie says we should learn to let love come in and in return love others but what should i do if i just feel that i dont deserve to be loved in the first place ...